High-Gravity Days: Musings on getting through the unavoidable hard, bad days of life

I got woken up too early.

I missed the trashcan when dumping out my coffee grounds (and then the baby played in the mess while I looked for the broom).

I wrestled said screaming baby while trying to change a poopy diaper, only to have him sit up and happily geyser pee all over both of us.

I ran out of hot water in the shower.

The warm spring weather has turned into a drizzly 49 degrees.

It’s the middle of March and we haven’t put away the Christmas decoration boxes, which are mockingly reminding me we’re hosting friends for dinner tonight and the house is a wreck.

It’s only 9:35 AM. 

Welcome to what climbers refer to as a “high gravity day”! These are the days when you swear gravity is stronger than normal. Things that you can normally do with ease are a struggle. Nothing seems to go your way. The everyday fiction of existence seems to be so strong you wonder if you’ll make an ounce of forward progress today. 

Your rational mind knows that all of these things are minor, but the sum of the load just seems too heavy to bear gracefully today.

 

When the high gravity days hit, I often think of this quote from Viktor Frankl, about how suffering will take up the amount of space it is given:

“To draw an analogy: a man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the “size” of human suffering is absolutely relative.” ― Viktor Emil Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning Tweet

Now, I want to acknowledge that my current day’s struggles are NOTHING in comparison to the unimaginable hardships that can be experienced in life, such as what Viktor Frankl experienced. 

However, Frankl, as kind and wise as he is, refuses to gatekeep suffering (despite having every right to based on his experiences).

So, trying to learn from his wisdom, I often ask myself; If any type of suffering, no matter how trite, will take up the amount of space we give it, how do we give it less space?

Honestly, I don’t know. I’m trying to figure it out myself. But here are a few strategies I’m taking as I sort through it:

  Remember that this too shall pass.

The only thing constant in this life is change. 

 It’s worth remembering that this moment, this negative experience, will pass (yes, so will the good times, so savor them when they’re here).   Also, remember that you are not your experiences or emotions. Headspace’s Blue Sky meditation is a reminder of this. You are the sky; your emotions are the clouds (happy fluffy ones or big-bad storm ones). Clouds come and go; the sky is still there. Silly side note, but this meditation always reminds me of this song; remember that behind the clouds the sun is shining (there’s hope!). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJwloeyk580 Give your suffering a pre-defined amount of space:

It’s important to acknowledge your suffering and struggles. Turns out this is called self-compassion! If our friend is struggling and we’re a kind and good friend, we wouldn’t immediately launch into a narrative of “get over it; why are you struggling so much with this basic thing; you know this isn’t a big deal, right?” No! We’d sit with them, empathize, and listen to them. We’d give them space to experience their feelings. 

BUT, we also wouldn’t let this friend endlessly wallow in self-pity. Eventually, we’d encourage them to do some problem-solving on how to improve their situation, to engage in some self-care or restful activities, to move forward.  I try to embody this philosophy with myself; balancing self-compassion and self-empathy with forward movement. If it’s a little thing, like a high gravity day, then I might take a shower and allow myself to wallow in the struggle for the duration. Then, when the water goes off, I remind myself that it’s still a good day to have a good day, and I try my best to give my suffering less space.   If it’s a big, difficult struggle, then your suffering might need to take up more space. Maybe it’s a day, a week, or even several months or more. That’s OK. You’ll move forward when you’re ready. If you’re in this situation, you should also consider seeking out professional help from a therapist– They are experts in balancing holding space for suffering and healthy forward movement.   

Let joy fill up the space: 

In the pages immediately following the above quote, Frankl goes on to explain how joy can also act as a gas; even the tritest of joys can take up more space if you allow it. 

This is a popular concept these days and for good reason. Whether you call it gratitude or positive reflection, consciously training our attention on what is good in our lives can be world-changing- psychological research backs this up.  Here are a few strategies to make a habit of letting joy take up space:

• In the mornings, ask yourself: What am I looking forward to today?

• Gratitude journaling: Listing down specific things, no matter how small, that you’re grateful for. 

• Play the “What worked out today?” game: Get in the habit of purposefully looking for things that went well, no matter how small.  Example: For me today, since it happens to be a Friday and my schedule is more flexible on Fridays, I had the time to do this reflection, which helped me process through my funk.

• Play the “Glimmer” game: Notice little, mundane, wonderful things throughout your day-to-day life. A friend of mine calls these glimmers. They’re the warm cup of coffee in your hands, the tiny spring flowers popping through the leaves, and the fact that you finally found your favorite socks. 

Have bad-day bandaids on hand:

Sometimes we just need to treat the symptoms and tackle the problem another day when we have more time and energy. I like to think of these as “bad-day bandaids”. Is it going to fix the problem? Nope. Will it make the day doable? Probably.

Think through what your bad-day bandaids might be; those little things that you can turn to for a positive energy boost. 

Your list might be different, but here is mine:

• A playlist full of your favorite happy tunes (here’s mine)

• A friend that you can text asking for a pep talk

• Little mantras that remind you you’ve got this. Here are mine:

  • We can do hard things. – Glennon Doyle

  • “Bitch you’re doing a good job” – Destini Ann; seriously go watch this. You’ll sing it to yourself all the time

  • “Hey hey it’s OK, everybody feels kinda weird some days” – Corinne Savage; also worth a watch. It’s become the song I sing my son when he’s crying (and I sing to myself when I am)

• A pep talk from yourself: When you’re feeling good, write a note to your future self for when you’re not feeling good

• Walks outside

• Emotional showers: A shower, but because your feeling emotional, not because you need to clean yourself

• Chocolate

• Yoga: I even have a playlist for “feels yoga” for when I’m feeling all the big feelings

• YA Fantasy: Because sometimes we all need good ole escapism 

Address the root cause:

Look, you probably shouldn’t tackle this one ON your high-gravity day. But, when you have the emotional and mental capacity, do some reflecting. Ask yourself:

“Is this a reoccurring issue that needs to be addressed, or a one-time bad-days-just-happen issue that we can let be?”

If it’s the second one, give yourself a pat on the back; you survived the fundamentally human experience of having bad days. You won’t ever escape this phenomenon, but that’s OK. It’s part of being a human. Congrats.

Side bar: 

I say that snarkily because like most humans I am naturally resistant to the fact that suffering is just part of our existence. But, the reality is, it is. If we embrace this (which is SO hard), then we’ll feel less angst when the hard times do come. If you need to do more thinking on this, here are some quotes for you to ponder:

• “Obstacles do not block the path. They are the path.” – Zen Proverb. 

• “Embrace the suck” – From the Military/Navy, but known to me because of Brené Brown

• “I used to resent obstacles along the path, thinking, “If only that hadn’t happened life would be so good.” Then I suddenly realized, life is the obstacles. There is no underlying path. Our role here is to get better at navigating those obstacles. I strive to find calm, measured responses and to see hindrances as a chance to problem-solve.” – Janna Levin in Tim Ferriss’s Tribe of Mentors

If it’s the first one, set aside time to do some thinking on these topics:

• What about this situation makes it particularly difficult?

• What about who am I makes this particularly hard for me specifically?

• If this has happened before, why does this keep happening?

• What support and resources do I have available to me to help me process this? (e.g., friends, therapy, books, coaching, etc.)

• What processing do I owe myself to help sort through this?

Concluding Thoughts

I hope that some of these musings will help you next time you find yourself struggling against those high-gravity, high-friction days of life. 

If you have other tools, tips, or resources on how you navigate the struggle bus, please send them to me. I’d love to know what works for you